Trash Closet

Welcome to my dumpster dive of a blog!

Here resides my paper cut and aesthetic free journal, full of my own thoughts and experiences.

Embracing the Battle Scars

March 03, 2024

Introduction: A Tale of Resilience and Acceptance

Keywords: double mastectomy surgery, emotional journey, love-hate relationship

My surgery was pursued not solely based on transition, but for the sake of this post, only transition is what I desire to speak about. Here is a part of my journey that most don't dare to share, for fear society will say, “I told you so.” Well, to that I utter, even fallen leaves have a purpose. 

My scars tell a story of both triumph and tribulation. 

I stare at the reflection of my newfound form and revel in the freedom from the constant fear of breast cancer, a weight quite literally lifted off my chest. I embrace the flatness and smile at the absence of curves that never were meant to be mine. As I stare at my body, this home I hold dear, I inch taller with pride. Only when clothes hug my flesh does the empowerment settle, however. Finally, my chest has aligned with the image I've longed to see. 

The Love-Hate Dilemma: Finding Beauty Amidst the Blemish

Keywords: self-acceptance, scars as reminders, body positivity

At first glance, I couldn’t help but feel conflicted emotions towards my chest. The scars etched across my pale broken flesh serve as a constant reminder of the battles fought and won. While I cherish the freedom from fear, and my euphoria, there are moments when a certain disconnection creeps in. 

When the fabric falls away and I'm faced with the raw reality of my chest, the love and comfort fade into a bitter ache. What stares back at me is not the masculine silhouette I envisioned and begged the sky for, but a patchwork of scars and uneven lines. My chest feels foreign, disconnected from the rest of me. 

A Ruckus of Emotions: Learning to Love My Imperfections

Keywords: vulnerability, self-love journey, emotional healing

Through tears shed and smiles earned, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery that transcended physical appearance. It was in those vulnerable moments that I learned to embrace my imperfections – to see them not as flaws but as badges of honor earned through resilience.

Redefining Beauty Beyond Conventional Standards

Keywords: inner strength, beauty beyond appearances, authenticity

With each passing day, I’m reminded that beauty and masculinity radiate from within. The strength echoed in my eyes speaks volumes louder than society’s narrow definitions of perfection. My chest tells a story – one of survival, growth, and an unwavering need to be. 

I scroll through photos of other trans masculine individuals post-surgery, their chests sculpted into symmetric perfection. And then I look at mine, a shapeless void that mocks my yearning soul. It's not just disappointment, it's a profound sense of loss, mourning for the body I thought I would finally inhabit.

I'm still healing, but the wounds run deeper than the surface. Five weeks and 3 days post-op, and nothing has changed; I am still shackled by dysphoria.

When those thoughts roll in I must remind myself that scars tell a story of survival, of determination, of a love so precious. Via my therapist, I hear such a negative response is normal, and to that, I must agree, as the feeling dilutes with each passing day. 

There is beauty in my authentic survival. 

Celebrating Each Day as a Triumph Over Adversity

Keywords: gratitude for life, empowered survivorship narrative

There are days in which my inner demons are too loud to reason with. I used to hide my breasts beneath layers of cloth, tormented by balls of fat never meant to be mine. Now, on the days the demons roar, I fear I'll always be covered up, a prisoner to my asymmetric insecurities. The irony, I hear it. I begged the sky for this, praying for a day to be flat and free. 

And in response, I say, “There it is,” a line so simple yet poisonous to the negative thought.

Today, I stand tall – not just physically but emotionally. Every breath taken is a testament to the battles fought and conquered. My love-hate relationship with my chest has evolved into a love that exceeds time and reason, reaching a younger self desperate to breathe. 

Against all odds, I became flat and free. A thought strong enough to reel me back in, reminding me to breathe and be patient with myself. 

Conclusion: Writing a New Chapter Filled with Self-Love and Empowerment

Keywords: self-empowerment narrative, personal growth journey

Each day comes a new battle, leaving each night an opportunity for victory. I do not regret the surgery, let me be clear. It was a necessary step in finding peace and self, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to mourn the loss of what could have been, to grieve for the body I never had. 

I realize that my beauty and my masculinity don’t lie within this fictional idea of perfection, but embracing the self I fought to be. The scars, both visible and hidden, are like earnest arts of embroidery.  

So, here I breathe, 38 days in this new sculpted flesh, baring my soul to the internet, in the hopes that someone will read my words and know they aren't alone, as I once thought.

When researching others in their journeys similar to mine, these darker thoughts weren’t typically covered, leaving me feeling isolated and broken. 

That’s why I'm here, writing about a part of my transition that isn't as stellar as most tend to share on social media. 

This is my truth, my struggle, my story. Although these are my words to speak, I know there are some out there who find themselves along a similar path. It's okay to not be in love with every aspect of your story, of your journey. Just because you aren't happy all the time doesn't mean a mistake was made. Together we forge on! 

Acceptance and liberation come in chapters. A novel isn't made up of just one.

- August Joaquim

The Purge is coming. Population Purge. 

March 26, 2024

Introduction: Towards the Horizon

As the summer draws nearer, I find myself increasingly exhilarated, eagerly awaiting the release of the feature film "Population Purge." This film is a culmination of dedication, passion, and hard work that has taken up the forefront of my life for the past 2 years. Now, I’ve been involved in the film industry for over 6 years, but this was my first big role. Starring in Brian Johnson's latest creation has been an unforgettable journey, one that I am delighted to share with the world.

The Featured Narrative: Ready to Reach Your Screens

"Population Purge" harbors a gripping tale following an enthralling narrative that takes ‘family’ and thrusts it into a dystopian world dowsed with thrilling high stakes. This film doesn’t just cater to your action-loving needs, as there are moments where audiences will find themselves simply falling off the edge of their seats and into a staggering realization that they too might connect with this featured family dynamic. The opportunity to be a part of such a project has been nothing short of a dream come true for me.

The Journey. The Process: The People

From the first day on set to the final outfit check, every moment has been filled with excitement, challenges, and growth. Working alongside a talented cast and crew under Brian Johnson's direction has been an incredible learning experience. It's not just about delivering lines or hitting marks; it's about immersing oneself in the character, understanding their motivations, and bringing them to life in a way that resonates with audiences. 

The Time I Shared a Face

I connected with Maya, my character. It wasn’t just dying my hair red, for me. Unfortunately, I lost it, but when preparing to bring Maya to life I took my script, slapped it in a binder, and color-coded each and every page containing her. I wanted to know her, know her so well that even if I forgot a line, I knew what she’d think next. 

We Are Partnered Baby!

The anticipation for the release of "Population Purge" has only grown since the film was picked up by Gravitas Ventures. Knowing that our hard work will soon be showcased to a wider audience is both exciting and nerve-wracking. But more than anything, it fills me with pride to have been a part of this project from its inception to its imminent release.

From Auditions All The Way to Living Dreams

As we await news of which streaming service will become our home, I can't help but reflect on the journey that has brought us to this point. From auditions to rehearsals, from long days on set to battling juiced-up mosquitos, every moment has been worth it. And now, as we prepare to share "Population Purge" with the world, I couldn't be more thrilled.

To Those Who Held Out A Hand

To those who have supported us along the way, whether it be family, friends, or fans, I extend my heartfelt gratitude. Their encouragement has been a source of strength and inspiration throughout this journey.

Conclusion: The Purge is coming. Population Purge.

So, as the countdown to summer begins, I invite you to join me in eagerly anticipating the release of "Population Purge." Get ready for an unforgettable cinematic experience that will leave you breathless and wanting more. Trust me, I even want more. Well, maybe I’m biased as I miss Maya. The wait is almost over, and I, for one, couldn't be more excited to share this adventure with you all.

- August Joaquim

Chasing Dreams and Creating Footprints

Embracing Excitement for…Myself

Today, I am bubbling with excitement because as of yesterday my first order for Write ‘N Wear has been packaged and is ready to be sent off into the world! Let me tell you, this feeling burning within me is indescribable. I am filled with gratitude and a sense of accomplishment that I have never experienced before.

As I reflect on my journey thus far, I’ve realized that embracing excitement has always been a difficult thing to balance. My own personal growth, up until now, has never included acceptance or balance of excitement. Publishing this website and delving into a social media presence has pushed me to step out of my comfort zone, take risks, and pursue my passions with unwavering determination. This newfound sense of purpose has transformed my perspective on life and has allowed me to see the world through a lens of endless possibilities.

As someone who loves making jewelry, this moment is a dream come true. I cannot wait for more orders to flood in. I am not being self-absorbed; I am simply speaking it into the universe, manifesting the success that I know is coming my way.

A Newfound Confidence

I must admit, I haven’t always had confidence in myself. In fact, I used to be the king of doom and gloom, always expecting the worst. But now, with my website up and running and my partner and I moving into our first place together, something has shifted within me. I have this newfound fire, this burning desire to chase after my passions wholeheartedly.

Yes, I want to make jewelry. I want to create beautiful pieces that bring joy to people’s lives. But that’s not all. I want to take photos and sell them, capturing moments that have caught my eye and share them with the world. I want to block print apparel, infusing my carvings into wearable art. I want to write and act, using my creativity to tell stories that inspire and entertain. I want things, I want! 

For the longest time, I was afraid to announce these desires to the world. What if I failed? What if people laughed at me? These thoughts held me back, keeping me from pursuing my dreams or even uttering them aloud. But you know what? I’ve come to realize that it’s okay to want things. It’s more than okay—it’s necessary. Everyone wants things. Everyone wants things and everyone’s eyes are on themselves, not you. 

Embracing the Spring Within

Have you ever felt like spring in the middle of August? No? Perhaps it’s just a feeling within myself since I AM August, but I’ll proceed to share anyway. Spring symbolizes new beginnings, growth, and a sense of rejuvenation. And that’s exactly what I am experiencing. Sure, there are moments when self-doubt creeps in, but recently I’ve been feeling like spring. That’s the thing about progress, it’s never perfect, and often there’s a rewind segment you must venture through. 

So, as I venture through this progress I shed my doubts and fears, embracing the possibilities that lie ahead, or at least I am trying to. I refuse to let this self-doubt hold me back any longer. I am ready to embrace the vibrant colors of life and chase after my dreams with all my might. 

It’s okay to share the excitement that comes with pursuing our passions. It’s okay to take those risks and believe in ourselves. It’s okay to speak our desires into the universe and trust that the sky will respond kindly.. And most importantly, it’s okay to embrace the spring within, no matter what time of year it may be.

Thank you for joining me on this journey. Together, let’s celebrate the joy of chasing our dreams and creating a life that truly lights us up.

August Joaquim